Relaxation and Trauma

Parenthood involves trauma; it's not a pretty thought, but trauma, hardship and generally unpleasant experiences just come with the territory. (As well as joy, excitement, love.) The problem, of course, is when one becomes so steeped in one's fears of some potential disaster that one refuses to let the child take the first steps towards independence, and also inculcates the child to imagine that the world is full of bogeymen at every turn.

I was deeply fearful that some disaster might occur during our trip to France. A seven-month-old baby seems like such a fragile thing--not yet crawling, not yet able to sit up, basically relying on us to care for him at every moment. During a distracted moment, in a house we're not familiar with, what might he reach out and pick up while we're holding him in the baby carrier--something sharp or hot, something we didn't notice? Or, rushing through the airport, trading off the baby between us, what if one of us doesn't communicate well enough with the other to tell them that their grip on the baby is less than firm? These scenarios and many others played out in my head multiple times before our trip.

As it turns out--not one single disaster occurred; the trip was blissfully uneventful in that respect. One of the reasons was undoubtedly, my heightened vigilance and that of my husband. Another was just plain dumb luck.

This sort of vigilance takes its toll on a person; though I also realize that as a parent, one is never entirely free of it. This Sunday afternoon, my husband volunteered to watch the baby for a few hours. I used the first hour to clean up the kitchen, dining and living areas, picking up after the baby--both because these rooms had been trashed by a busy, curious little 8-month-old, and because I was afraid one of us, holding or not holding the baby, might slip on something. The second hour was spent attempting to relax on the couch with the Sunday paper and not being terribly successful.

I know that I've written about spates of manic activity in recent weeks, during similar three-hour breaks...the simple truth might be that I need to learn to relax, even while remaining vigilant. This, for the child's well-being as well as my own.