Amazing Race

Sometimes it does feel like I'm racing every day just to keep up with my son's basic needs, which led me to imagine this interview process.

***

Applicant: Well, I think I'm well-qualified for the position. I've spent more than twenty years being a responsible adult. I'm not including the first six years of adulthood, by the way, those were a wash.

Interviewer: Yes, fine, fine. I guess most people could say the same. Well; and what do you see yourself doing in five years' time?

Applicant: Well, assuming I've handled things okay, I see myself, um, continuing my role as a mother, but branching into other areas as well. I'll be proud to be a mother, but I also hope to become more of a useful member of society...oh, that sounded bad. It's not that I don't think being a mother is useful, but...I hope to work for this company in some other capacities as well.

Interviewer: I see. Well, let's take a moment and go over the responsibilities this position entails. Do you realize that the hours are from 5 am to 10 pm, plus on-call work from 10 pm to 5?

Applicant [with an incredulous stare]: What?

Interviewer: Oh, no one mentioned that to you in the preliminary interview? That's odd. Of course, those are just the hours during the initial training.

Applicant [with an audible sigh of relief]: Oh, I see. And how long is that?

Interviewer: Anywhere from three to seven months.

Applicant [with another incredulous stare]: Oh.

Interviewer: After that it's around fifteen hours a day, seven days a week. No paid vacation, no holidays.

Applicant: Isn't that against the law or something?

Interviewer: I suppose it is, but you know, that doesn't stop anyone from taking on the position, and the authorities have looked the other way for so long that no one even asks that question any more. Anyway, to continue: You'll be working with someone who is absolutely clueless, but again, that's just at the beginning.

Applicant: When you say, "working with," what does that mean, exactly?

Interviewer: Oh, you'll be in direct, close, physical contact with this person during the entire work week. Almost nonstop.

Applicant: Don't people--well, don't they go mad, spending so much time together?

Interviewer: Yes, they do. But at this company, we're looking for a higher-caliber sort of mom. You'll have to learn the techniques for sanity-retention. We'll cover those in Orientation. Usually we devote about twenty minutes of your daylong Orientation to that topic.

Applicant: I'm sorry, but, I'm not understanding why it's so intensive. I know that being a mom involves, at least initially, a lot of diaper changes, feeding, putting on clothes and taking them off, giving baths, and entertaining the little person to some extent, by reading books and listening to music. But aren't there times--at least, by the time the baby is a few months old--where he's just sitting there staring into space? Aren't there times when you can sit and read a book, or at least a newspaper article or something?

Interviewer: [Sighing] I see that you haven't read the introductory materials.

Applicant: Yes, oh yes, I have. I've read every page. But somehow I don't remember reading that there's not even time to, uh, smoke a cigarette or something--oh, not that I smoke! I'm just giving an example...

Interviewer: [raising eyebrows] And you never smoked?

Applicant: No, I swear, never. I know what you're thinking, that I slipped up there and I'm really a closet smoker who's going to pollute my baby's air...no, I promise you, that's not going to happen!

Interviewer: Okay, please, calm down. I didn't think that for a minute. So, you've read the introductory materials, which plainly state that "Motherhood will be the hardest job you've ever had, and it will be rewarding in ways that you never imagined."

Applicant: Yes, of course, I know it's hard, but they don't say that you can't take a five-minute break once in a while.

Interviewer: Well, that's because you can, of course you can. After you've washed the bottles and picked up everything your baby dropped and you've done the laundry and cleaned up where he spat up. Oh, and slept for at least an hour because you're so tired, and purchased new items for your baby on the Internet. And when your baby's awake, he'll be clamoring for your attention during four minutes of that five-minute break, but you can just ignore him. Or better yet, pretend you're paying attention to him. That teaches him the art of deception--a very important skill for young children to learn.

Applicant: [remains silent.]

Interviewer: Anyway, there's one more aspect of the job that you should know about. Assuming you're still interested.

Applicant: Yes, I am. I mean, I think so...please, tell me.

Interviewer: There's no possibility of retirement once you've started, and again, no paid vacations or holidays. So once you've begun, you're in it for the rest of your life. Always and forever.

Applicant: [hesitating] I don't know if this is a question I should ask, but...

Interviewer: Please, feel free to ask anything.

Applicant: Why on earth do people take this job?

Interviewer: For the fringe benefits. And after all, there's never a dull moment. Except those mind-numbingly dull moments when you've read Brown Bear, Brown Bear ten thousand times. Well, have I answered all your questions?

Applicant: [gazing glumly at the floor] I guess so.

Interviewer: I'm sorry, the next interviewee has shown up; thank you very much for your time [stands and shakes Applicant's hand], and good luck.