Just realized why I'm feeling so weird right now...
I'm doing two or three things at the same time that make me feel raw and vulnerable in various, quite different ways. I'm about to do a triathlon, and I'm about to send out my stories. And, my profile is rising at my son's school due to various volunteering responsibilities. All of that combined leaves me feeling more raw and exposed than I've felt in a long time.
With the triathlon--I feel physically vulnerable. The swim in the frigid, murky, at least semi-polluted waters of San Francisco Bay; and the bike ride, pedaling fast down a narrow road with several hundred other bikers--then the run when I'm already bone-tired, and could possibly mess up my knee more severely than it was already messed up this past winter and spring.
With the stories: what if a whole cadre of critics and casual readers line up against me, saying the stories are worthless? They could crush my career before it even gets started.
A lot of people won't like my work; I can accept that. But what if...what if no one does?
"What if?" is easily one of the most depressing questions in the world. I shouldn't ask it.
The best approach in these situations is--handle it gracefully, but don't take any of it too seriously.
Today at the second "mom's coffee" with a group of four moms from my son's school, all of us doing that outrageous thing--relaxing and having coffee together on a Thursday morning--a mom spoke of her nervousness about attending a PTA meeting. It would be her first meeting, and she felt like the parents who were already attending were such a tight-knit group. "I feel like I won't know anyone." I promised to go with her (I'd been thinking of attending my first PTA meeting anyway). I really appreciated her honesty about being nervous. And that's what started me thinking about my own feelings of nervousness and vulnerability.
Writing a story, any story, is such a naked thing. Yes, it's not like playing the piano or stand-up comedy--you're not actually physically there--yet your story is standing up there, your characters. And your brain is being judged.
"Stay in the moment" is what all the triathlon coaches seem to advise about running the actual race. Don't project ahead and imagine worst-case scenarios. That probably holds true for any of the moments of our lives when we're feeling vulnerable. Stay in the moment. Yes, my stories will be judged, yes I might fail in the triathlon, yes I might mess up when speaking in front of the school. That's life. I should listen and learn, and not take any of it too seriously.
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